Where is the youth gone??

Unmaad is going to get over in a couple of hours. Moksha and Parikrama have already gotten the crowds swinging. The closing party will start in a couple of hours. And what am I doing right now? Sitting alone in my room with floyd playing in the background and writing this stupid piece of shit. The two complementary passes I got lie before me in my desk drawer. I’ll probably keep them for keep sake.

I still remember those days during Saarang at IIT Madras. Those days when I was still a geela undergraduate (seems so long ago now). The ultimate aim for all of us during Saarang would be to patao a girl. We would all bathe daily, shave daily, wear our best clothes, save up money and what not – just for those fifteen seconds of fame when we would be seen talking to that girl from some outside college. The ultimate sense of achievement would be to partner an outsider girl to one of the various dance workshops. I must confess that I “achieved” nowhere near this and the max I did was to have a loooooong chat with a girl whom I’d known for several years!

The ends justify the means. Irrespective of what people’s motivation is, it is a fact that we had a great deal of enthu for saarang. Saarang meant leaving the room at 8:55 sharp and not returning until late in the night. It meant that we never had grub in the mess but made do at the various food stalls with the free coupons we got for being a coordinator or a volunteer. If we had nothing to do, we would just “put beat” in the arena. There was of course the bigger goal of trying to put line to one of the pretty outsider girls.

During the last couple of days, I had every single meal in the mess. I stayed in my room for large parts of the day – especially on friday when I was setting my quiz. The only reason I ventured out was for three quizzes – two I attended and one I organized. And briefly for a party yesterday night. Else my only company has been the comp and Bridge Baron.

It is indeed funny but the very things I used to find interesting and motivating a year ago seem so pointless and trivial nowadays. Having ‘been there, done that’, there’s hardly the urge to do anything hifunda. The thin crowds too don’t help. And I have, of late, realized that too much footage is too bad and hence have been trying to maintain a generally low profile, which I must admit is a little hard to do. Earlier, I would like to be in the thick of things. Now, I’m content with taking something that I believe I can do well and simply doing it well. My work doesn’t extend beyond what I have agreed to do.

I attended a concert by Indian Ocean and STrings yesterday. At a similar concert last year, I had simply danced the night away. Yesterday, I stood quietly among friends looking around and commenting on the Besura voice of Faisal Kapadia. At many points of time during the show, all I wanted was a corner – a corner where I could sit down, sip coffee, make small talk with a few good friends and enjoy the Gamakams in the Indian Ocean compositions.

I am wondering what has befallen me. It is known that people change, but do they change so quickly like I have in the past year? Maybe not, as I spent my first month here in IIMB in a kinda culture shock and took time to adjust. Does environment have such a big impact on one’s personality? Having adjusted to a new environment, how will one react if pur back in the old environment? Have I lost my youth in my efforts to get over my “geelapan”? These are some quesions I may answer in subsequent posts.

I know the ending of this essay is bad but im feeling too sleepy so I’ll generally end it without caring for too much else.

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